I just got done taking a 2 mile walk at the park here in Castroville. Loved it! I waited until it was approaching dusk so I would not get too hot. The temperature was just right, it felt like it was in the upper 80s by then and there was a slight breeze. I love the park. It is full of mature oaks and pecan trees, and is nestled into a little valley with hills surrounding. The hills help block out the sun a little earlier than usual. There is a walking path with quarter mile markers. One part of the path borders a little offshoot of the Medina River. There are also wild flowers everywhere. It couldn't have been more blissful.
I live with two opposing ideals warring for dominance in my mind. On the one hand I can see myself as a domestic goddess who keeps a cute kitschy house covered in rambling ivy with a shady secret garden-like verdant yard with tons of flowers, vines and herbs. I have a hubby, two children, chickens, maybe some kind of livestock. A sleeping cat curled up on a rag rug in the kitchen. We light our home with oil lamps and don't own a television.
The other ideal involves me living very non-conformist nomadic, minimalist way of life. I travel all over the world, finish the AT. I make my income as a writer (I guess...), living wherever the mood strikes. Never amassing too many possessions. Not being tethered to family.
These two archetypal life plans are maybe too extreme to ever live out completely. Either would be impossible to achieve in its entirety. On some days the first scenario seems the more appealing of the two, and I feel like I am exactly where I need to be at the moment. On some days scenario number two wins out, and I feel trapped by all of my possessions, my pets and my husband. Like each possession gained adds one more brick to the prison I am building for myself.
I have always felt like I am being pulled in two different directions at once. I cannot get any closer to any life goal because I am immobilized by indecision turned apathy. Why on Earth can't I just *settle* like everyone else in America?
On a lighter note--today was a scenario #1 day so I am feeling quite content. I am full of lentils, veggies, sourdough bread and butter. Delicioso!
1 comment:
Gosh, I know just how you feel. The closest I have figured out to meshing the two worlds is running some sort of alpaca farm/hiker hostel along the AT, PCT, or CDT, or the Superior Hiking Trail here in MN. And then maybe developing the farm into some kind of commune so I can go as I please and travel the country by RV or foot. Of course, that scenario doesn't accommodate children...so it's not perfect.
I don't know about you, but I have a lot of trouble even considering home buying because I have that wanderlust, but I also hate to rent. It's just so many contradictions. Sorry, I wish I could give helpful advice, but it's a really difficult state to be in: having two vitally contradictory dreams.
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